I’m Terrified

by kqer

I’m kind of person that love someone with all my heart. I fall easily to someone who knows me well. I’m writing this because I have few things that I can’t say out loud.

I miss the kisses I had with him especially our first kiss. Probably I already forgot how my very first kiss felt like, but I can say the one I had with him was so sweet. I miss the way he hold my hand, like I’m so fragile, like I’ll be broken if he hold me tighter. I admit I want to kiss him once again for the last time.

I believe he truly loved me even sometimes I questioned the same thing to myself, but he did. When he introduced me to his mom, when he was so freaked out if we got caught by my parents, and when he kissed me on my forehead.

He was not my type, not at all. I don’t have any reason to stay with him but maybe that’s love. I already had the feeling that we wouldn’t last long, but he assured me that he’d stay no matter what. I trusted him with all my heart. I deeply fell for him.

I almost ruined myself when he left me. I only ate a little, I drank alcohol, suffered from nightmares every single night. I kept holding on when he said he couldn’t stay. I convinced myself that he was having hard time, but I was wrong. He explained clearly while holding my hands that he had to leave, we’re just friend now, but still I’m (until now) too coward to admit that he was leaving me behind.

I tried so hard or maybe too hard to act cool in front of him. I thought I was over him. Once again, I was wrong. I felt the pain when he told me he was having tough time. I blamed myself that I ALWAYS could’t stay beside him.

I cried so hard to God why He let this happen to us. He let us fall in love but He wouldn’t let us love each other. I didn’t blame God. I blamed myself why I’m a weak girl, why I still care too much when he is no longer my man.

With all my heart, I admit I still love him until this moment. I want to hug him, I want to kiss him, and comfort him. I consciously know we don’t have any chance in the future, I just want to love him with all I have now. I don’t have any guts to tell him this because I’m to afraid I might ruin everything, I might make everything worse.

Dear God, I love him..